Monthly Archives: May 2014

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The Deathbed Confessions: Vol. 1

Deathbed Confessions

“Resolved, to think much on all occasions of my own dying, and of the common circumstances which attend death.” – Jonathan Edwards

Two weeks ago I wrote briefly about a new endeavor to put Edwards’ ninth resolution to work in my life, an endeavor I am affectionately calling “The Deathbed Confessions.” As morbid as it might sound, I actually find it quite liberating and hope my somewhat sporadic musings on death might serve you.

The crux of the issue is eschatological. Jesus is coming back and calls us to be ready. He says in Mark 13,

Be on guard, keep awake. For you do not know when the time will come.It is like a man going on a journey, when he leaves home and puts his servants in charge, each with his work, and commands the doorkeeper to stay awake. Therefore stay awake—for you do not know when the master of the house will come, in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or in the morning— lest he come suddenly and find you asleep. And what I say to you I say to all: Stay awake.

Ultimately then, “The Deathbed Confessions” are not just about my hope to be some small reflection of Edwardsian piety, they are actually a means to help me stay awake. Spiritual Redbull you might call them. Here then is the first confession:

Deathbed Confession #1:
I want to lay on my deathbed with a Scripture-soaked mind.

Just yesterday the month of May dawned on us and I happened to pull up a file named “Books Read in 2014.” Through April I have completed sixty books and am thus on pace for a righteous 180 books in 2014. Disclaimers are probably useful here: I read fast, many of those books are small, and my job description includes reading. But as I stared at that number I thought, “Should this number be a cause of celebration or lamentation?” Such thoughts resulted in a new motivation for meditation.1

GIVE ME MORE MEDITATION

Part of the reason I read so many books is because I simply love to read. Any free moment of the day is likely occupied with reading something. Now, I will be the first to say that such use of time is quite often faithful and fruitful. But the more I thought about it in light of Resolution 9 the more I realized, that should I die today, I would go to glory with a mind possibly filled with more truths from books than truth about the Book. O my soul, this should not be so.

Truths from books, not matter how practical or valuable, have no power in and of themselves. But truth from the Book, well, that is a living blade for the soul. Let me then consciously slow down the external reading in order for the Word to find an internal home in my heart. May I go to my deathbed with a mind and heart overflowing with truth stashed away from years of meditation.

Like a towel that soaks up water, let my soul soak up Scripture, so that its goodness my ring out for all eternity. For books and histories will fade, but His word will last forever.

  1. Forgive the palpitations of such rhetorical undulations. ↩
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The Peril of Despair

45287ebI have written before (here, here, and here) about the great weight I often feel after preaching. That descent from the sacred desk is a walk normally filled with steps of despair and discouragement.

I am always helped to know I am not alone in the struggle. Such encouragement came earlier this week from On Being a Pastorby Derek Prime and Alistair Begg. Their chapter on preaching ends with a section on “The Perils of Preaching,” which mentions the peril of “despair and sense of failure.”

The following back and forth between Prime and Begg was valuable for me to hear, as I bet it would be for any preacher.

Derek Prime: “I doubt if there has been a Sunday I have preached when I have not had some [despair or sense of failure]. On occasions I have known deep despair because I have felt I have been so clumsy in my presentation of the truth. At such times we need to remind ourselves of God’s call. I have come to recognize that God allows such things to happen so that I cultivate the humility that befits a teacher of His word and to teach me my constant dependence on Him. One of the most humbling experiences I know is to discover afterward that on the occasions when I felt I did badly, God has been pleased to work in a special way in people’s lives!”

Alistair Begg: “I am encouraged to know that Derek feels this way. I had hoped that this sense would pass with time. But it hasn’t. As I stood to preach this past Sunday, I felt as though I was standing in a telephone box, and, although I could see the people outside and could hear my own voice (usually a bad sign), I had no assurance that they could hear me. Eric Alexander told a gathering of ministers that when he left the pulpit and returned to his vestry, he found himself saying out loud, ‘Lord, I am sorry.’ Lloyd-Jones was as outspoken on this matter as any I have read. ‘Any man who has had some glimpse of what it is to preach will inevitably feel that he has never preached. But he will go on trying, hoping that by the grace of God one day he may truly preach.'”

So preacher, if you often sense despair take comfort from these brothers, and by God’s grace, go on preaching!