It was our third week of premarital counseling with young couple both sensing the call to vocational ministry. The topic on the table was various aspects of gospel ministry they’d need to discuss prior to marriage in order to see their marriage flourish in the midst of ministry. I asked, “What are your thoughts ‘Prospective Wife’ about ‘Prospective Husband’ not telling you everything happening in his ministry as a pastor?”

I’ll never forget the look on their faces that followed the question. It was a mix of, “I guess we haven’t considered that before,” and, “Jordan may just be crazy. Of course we should tell each other everything going on in the ministry.”

With Help From Helopoulos

That scenario replayed in my mind earlier this week as I read Jason Helopoulos’ excellent book, The New Pastor’s Handbook: Help and Encouragement for the First Years of Ministry. In his chapter titled, “Shepherd Your First Flock,” Helopoulos offers some of the wisest, clearest counsel on the always pressing question, “Should I tell her?” He writes,

Recognizing that your wife is a member of the church should also lead you to be careful in the details you share with her about confidential and sensitive matters in the local church. Some pastors make the mistake of telling their wives too little about their day, the church, and their ministry, which leads their wives to feel disconnected. However, in our day it is more common for pastors to tell their wives too much. Because we love them and want them to know where our struggles like, it is an easy error to make. Our wives serve as our confidants, yet it befits our wives to not know some things about church members or situations.

Pastors would do well to consider the words of Proverbs 10:19,

When words are many, transgression is not lacking,
but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.

Keep these two rules in mind: if ti could disrupt her worship, then don’t share it; if it could lead her to struggle with envy, anger, or hatred toward an individual or a group of people within the church, then keep it to yourself. Your wife is a worshiper in the church and a member of the body. This should always shape your communication with her.

To me, that sounds exactly right. What do you think? What guidelines do you have?